K, I thought I'd make a useless entry.

First thought in my cluttered mind: I wouldn't mind my medusa piercing back. Ack.

Next......well, last night was wierd. I was feeling kinda horny (eww, right?) And I was trying to hid from my boyfriend Russell til the feeling past. Well, he found me... and knew something was on my mind, and forced it out of me. He said he was on his way out, but when he comes back I could blow him. So I waited.....and waited. Finally he came back. I was on my new laptop and.....I dunno how, but he suddenly ended up spending the whole night on it watching old music videos from back in his day.. next thing you know it's late, and I had school the next morning. I was like, ok, he blew off a blowjob for youtube. And I was still feeling, uh, needy.

So we said goodnight.. but he knew something was bothering me. I told him how I felt and he was sorrowful. To cut to the end, I ended up staying up really late with him, and today I fell asleep in class. Rofl.
 

Next on my mind: the whole gay issue. I def. like guys but girls are special. I wouldn't mind meeting one, if you know what I mean. I also have this urge in the back of my mind to try to look like a guy.... grow my eyebrows out, go sans makeup, dude clothes. I wouldn't cut my hair though, as I like metal :D .................maybe it's just a phase.

I've been smoking like a chimney lately.

 

Oh, and I actually made a friend at school. His name's Derek. He's cool. We're both into the whole "trynabeachristian" thing... although I admit I fell off the wagon bad. He looks Oriental, but he's Native. He said he'd call me sometime.

Bah, I'm tired of babbling. I'mma go fer a smoke. ;)

Last night was so stupid. The past 3 days have been stupid.

I've been feeling...........the feeling you get when the hurt is so bad you can't put it into words. The need to cut was so intense and I've been crying on and off too...

Then last night I freaked out on my boyfriend..
I waited all night for him to come home from hockey to spend time with him and when he did come home, he blew me off.

The tension in me had been building up for a while, but that set me off... I was crying hard and then finally gave in to my knife...

I called him on the phone crying and he was like, "Just because I want some time to myself dosn't mean I don't want to spend time with you, and if that's why you cut yourself...........well, that's wrong. That's unnacceptable to me." Gawd, I feel so dumb.

Why am I so....such a fuck-up? I'm messed up, I'm wired stupidly.......I can't shake this feeling of gloom and doom. I hate my life.